Monday, October 27, 2003

The Worst Halloween

Halloween will be upon us soon, as will the memories of failed nights past; yet one in particular stands out. What follows is its horrifying tale...

It was 1989. I was 13 years old. While other kids my age skulked the dark West Chester neighborhoods as ninjas, turtles, and Ninja turtles, my friends and I chose a different route. There was a TV show at the height of it's intoxicating influence. The kind of show with such a unique mixture of humor and sex-appeal that you can't help but watch every episode. I wished to live with these fantastic characters - to be these fantastic characters. And so my dream came to life as myself and three other friends spent Halloween 1989 as The Golden Girls.

I was Sophia, the feisty matron of Dorothy. The others involved wish to remain anonymous, but be assured all characters were represented. We set out before sundown, shuffling down the street in housedresses, and in the case of Blanche, high heels.

I arrived at the first house and rang the doorbell...

(SFX: ding, dong!)

Golden Girls in Unison: Trick or Treat!
Homeowner: Well, happy hallo- (moment of pause) Kevin?
Sophia: Hi Coach Johnson! I'm Sophia!
Coach Johnson: You're cut from the squad, Cornell.

I tried to think of some witty rejoinder; what would Sophia say here? But nothing came. House after house identified me successfully, and made their judgements. By November 1st, I was kicked off the baseball, soccer and basketball teams, beat up by five fellow altar servers, expelled from Cub Scouts; even excused from service at the retirement home. In the aftermath, my mom comforted me, saying: "I think you were even better than Estelle Getty, son."

"Thank you for being a friend, Ma," I answered. "Thank you for being a friend..."

Comments on this Article

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1.

10.27.03 | 6:18 PM

If you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend."

Then I would tell you to eat shit.

2. Jason

10.28.03 | 7:34 AM

I still remember when Estelle Getty was on the Battle of the Network Stars; she was the anchor on one of the tug-of-war teams. I nearly cried the day they pulled her into the mud pit. It was scary for a minute there too because she didn't get up for a while. She just laid there face down in the mud next to Scott Baio. After about 5 minutes they managed to wake her...which was good, she nearly missed her best event, The Obstacle Course. She's such a little trooper.

3. wayne

10.29.03 | 10:14 AM

1989, you say? in west chester? you wouldn't happen to recall an intimate encounter with someone dressed as wilford brimley, would you? please say no. please let there have been another Estelle Getty out that night....